Still Everywhere

It's a strange experience being an adult; it can be quite solitary at times. I remember a while back (probably 8 years now), a friend of mine was talking about someone and made a comment about how she couldn't tell whether the guy was being candid about his experience. She said to me, "you know how adults can be." It caught me off guard. In fact, I didn't. My tendency was to think most people were pretty upfront and honest about their lives. However, the deeper I go in to this wilderness of adulthood, the more I find there are many things left unsaid.

As adults our realities can seem more messy than we ever imagined. We navigate through it all; sometimes we fail immensely in the company of others and sometimes we are the only ones around to be proud of our accomplishments. I had an artist friend a few years back named Witold K, who always said, "on the day you understand your loneliness, you will understand my art." Truth be told, I never could relate to that statement. I related to his art from a different perspective but I could never let go of how much I couldn't relate to his statement. As I get older though, I acknowledge my loneliness more and more. I'm not even sure it's a bad thing, which is what I originally thought about the concept. When I try to make sense out of what this all means (being alive here on earth), I think at the end of it all we are left with ourselves morphing into some other form of energy. Perhaps we don't need to make any sense of it at all. But then again, where does that leave an analytical person such as myself. 

Tricia posted an article this week on FB and it made me think of my dad because it argued God and connectivity from a scientists perspective... and because he died two years ago. Not that the article really has anything to do with my dad besides being scientific in nature and giving me some respite about the passing of time. It spoke to my hope that though he isn't around anymore he is still around. 

When I meet my sisters for dinner tonight, he will be at our table. He will be in our humor, he will be in our intellect, he will be the reason we come together find some way to enjoy this crazy thing called life. Our blue eyes looking around at each other, slightly heart broken and slight uplifted by the thought of how beautiful our father was to us. 

I would be foolish not to acknowledge the amount of time and space that will continue to build since October 2010. I move forward in my journey and my dad is not physically part of that experience anymore. However, he is always in my heart and frequently still in my thoughts. He will never know the rest of my story. Sometimes it hurts to think about it that way. Then again, he always knew who I was, what my spirit was about, and I like to think that meant he always knew my story. No amount of dead can take away the love I always felt from him and continue to remember fondly.

Princesses in the Park

We ran in to Cinderella last weekend. We were at the park and a women mentioned there was a bunch of Princesses around. It sounded strange at first, like she was suggesting fairies were hiding in the bushes if we only looked closer, but then I saw a woman dressed as what I can only assume was Merida from Brave. I figured we would head in the direction she was and see what we came up on. We walked in to the pavilion, which alone seems breezy and magical, and I looked to my left to see Cinderella framed between two large columns as if she was waiting for her Prince to come. I thought the set up was pretty fantastic for Miss M, who would be meeting her first real princess.

Truth be told, they're not even on her radar. I'm not sure that I really want them to be though I have to admit, meeting Cinderella in person was pretty cool. M marveled at her big blue dress. She lifted her skirt to show M her shiny silver shoes, which sealed the deal with the old girl. M gently touched her gloved hand and told her the only thing a girl can think of, "My birthday coming up" (which btw is the statement of the month). The princess told me that is why she was in the Park; to take photos for her company, which sends characters to parties to hang with kids. We walked on past Peter Pan and Obie Wan Kenobi. We didn't see anymore princesses but we managed to hold on to the the magic in the day.


The most magical thing for me lately is that Princess Ginger has bucked her dog anxiety to accompany us on a few walks recently. It makes me so happy to be out and about with her.

I just had to post this photo too because I love M's big, almost painful, clenched smile as she says cheese. 
It's pretty commonplace these days and I know it will only be a fond memory soon. 

Feel The Tide

Mumford & Sons (I'm digging some Mumford & Sons lately. Huge crush. Huge.)

This week has been a crazy one of sorts. The type that reminds you how life is best enjoyed when navigated - like balancing on a bike; not something laid out in tracks that you are secured to for the long haul. In the unfolding of it all, the absurd and the magical moments present themselves and nothing feels more satiating.

Change is physically in the air. We spent the weekend watching fall leaves shed their color and loosen their grip. For the first time ever, we both marveled at the sight of the wind sweeping millions of leaves upward in the air like some stunning flurry of Fall in rewind as a hawk hung above it all.

We too are embracing change these days. We placed a long shot "Hail Mary" backup offer on a house we found. It was a place we walked in to and knew instantly we had made a mistake not finding it sooner. Funny how you can walk in to someone else's space and feel like it is yours. Last Thursday night we found out the sky opened up and we were under contract. Our house promptly went on the market Saturday and is now under contract too; apparently a few people felt the same kinship to our home.

I keep thinking about hermit crabs and how they switch shells every so often. I feel we too are hefting off our armor and walking naked towards something new we will come to know intimately.

I've been thinking about how how our homes define us: our neighborhoods, our entryways, the paint colors we choose, and the art we hang on our walls. Friends come in and share the food we eat, listen to the music we play, and smell our smell. We know where the floors creak and how to open some special drawer or window. The fine nuances of the space become silent details in our story of home.

In a little more than a month, I won't see the view from miss M's bedroom window anymore - reminding me of the silence at 3 am when I was lucky enough to breastfeed my little nugget. Soon I won't be able to enjoy the angles of our stairs. The texture of our brick walls will become a fond memory. The perfectly framed view of our copper Rooster weather vane through our kitchen window from the sidewalk in front of our house won't exist as art anymore (as we made sure to write it in as an exclusion to the house purchase). These are all moments we have built and have come to know over the course of our every day. They will be boxed up in our memories. Miss m might possibly not even remember this place very well at all.

We wholeheartedly look forward to something new: fresh paint and wood floors; a backyard with a nice sized garden and the promise of a basketball hoop hanging above our 2 car garage;  new neighbors/new friends we have yet to meet; and of course, plenty of work to make our new shell our own.

In this shift that has occurred over the past week, I too reconnected with a piece of me that has been dormant for quite some time though I have tried to rouse it mentally these past few years. Life is best served when you believe in what you believe and the power of positive thinking (if you go with your gut so to speak). It's about putting things in to play and trusting that things will all work out, or that even if they don't work out, it all works out. It's an intrinsic belief I had unknowingly for quite sometime and I've missed it immeasurably. I'm so excited to move forward and nothing feels better.

Through The Eyes Of A Friend


I've been doing some consulting work for an old employer. After being gone for four years, it's been strange and fun to return and catch up with old co-workers I haven't seen in a long time. One day, I came in to find my friend Sachin "visiting" from India. He hadn't been back to Broomfield in about four years as well. We laughed about how strange it was that we were there at the same time and at how much older and grayer we might have become in the interim. I invited him and Julie and Lisa over for dinner one night. Sachin came with gifts and made quick friends with miss m. He took a ton of photos too because it's what he loves to do. Julie sent me this one yesterday. It's a heart I have hanging in our kitchen window; I picked it up in Akumal this summer and it really has become one of my favorite things to look at in the house. I told her I LOVED the photo. She typed: isn't it fun to see your house through someone else's eyes?! What a concept... I now wonder what else he caught on film.

My Girl

The Temptations
Miss M had another milestone today: her first official haircut at the super-cute Little Bees Salon. I've been trimming her hair here and there (because I didn't want to pay someone to spend five minutes cutting a straight edge across her bangs when I had the genetic makeup to do a fine job myself) but I finally broke down today and committed to a real cut. I think it was more a milestone for me than her. She however, benefited from her first pony tail and her first Dum Dum lollipop (which PS DUM DUMs, you should make a Dr. Pepper one, and I'm cursing that I can no longer go in to the Bank without M knowing what is sitting on the counter).




She's growing like a weed these days. Her vocabulary is exploding. She's picking words out of songs or radio reports. She also has a tendency to throw things or fast slap something like a diva when she's up in arms. She has a wealth of facial expressions that only her boot collection can compete against. I've started telling people she's gunning for an Oscar this year so watch for her role as an Italian mother who just lost her son in the war.



When I'm not extolling the importance of "sharing" or "not hitting our friends", I wholly admire this little lady as she unabashedly rocks her pink cowboy boots or begs for some "makeup" (ie chapstick and a water color brush) or "gums" or to watch a "movies" or eats dirt. In a moment of sheer delightful quiet the other day, I snapped out of my daydream to find her "painting" her toes with some nail polish (not a bad color or job for a 22 month old I might add). She is a lesson in how quickly time flies. Each day I want to snatch up a little nugget of Mness and hold it forever.


She wants to do everything herself and says, "no my do it". I love how she says, "s/he's crying cranky" to any kid/baby/person in a bad mood. She crouches down and say's "lil baby" to anything small, like a piece of her pancake that's not as big as the other pieces or her babydoll or ants. She has an unsettling obsession with keys and will try to unlock anything including doors, bikes, chairs, cabinets, and cereal boxes. She will say anything is stinky and if I ask her where something is, she says "outside". When I ask if she has a poopy diaper, she's been known to throw Ginger under the bus...more than once...


She has started to point to letters and numbers knowing they mean something. She randomly will work on a "6-7-8-9" spread or "p-q-r-s" for the day, like Rainman. She likes to read me stories too but I tell her I won't dignify her reading me to sleep unless she turns the book right side up.


When we are done for the night, I continue my singing career aspirations in the privacy of her room. I've started thinking about real songs I can probably sing fairly decently that are good songs for her to know, like Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys. She has started recognizing Everyday by Buddy Holly and will request it. Still though, the song that's topping Miss Ms chart for the fourth straight week in a row: Happy Birthday. Every night, we celebrate like there is cake.


P.S. My Girl is making it's way in to the top ten too. How about this video?! I love that they're all wearing suits and smoothly moving their feet while every now and again they clap their hands.

Butterfly Love

All summer, it felt like there were butterflies all around us: on hikes, at the property, in the front yard... So we went to the Butterfly Pavilion in Broomfield. It had been a long time since I was up there but I wanted to bring miss m for the first time.


Sitting in the greenhouse with all the butterflies fluttering around you is pretty uplifting. M and her friend B just ran around terrorizing each other but I enjoyed the light flutters and sitting at a bench in front of a bay window where you can literally watch them coming out of their cocoons - hundreds of them hanging there in lines, some cocoons bobbing, other ripped open with a slow moving butterfly next to the old home.

The other thing that was interesting to me was two butterflies making sweet, sweet butterfly love on a leaf in the middle of the room. I stopped and stared and took photos for quite some time (what can I say, I'm a voyeur. I look when at the zoo or in any other public place where we have fashioned a pseudo-environment for the animals in our world; why not learn that piece of their lives too). I mean really, how many of you have ever seen two butterflies getting it on? It was quite impressive as they slowly opened and closed their wings and never once faced each other.

Attention Please: Everyone in the Frame

The Rodgers came up to the Swinger last weekend. It was fun to watch the kids play. As always, it's almost impossible to get them in one photo all looking the same direction with both eyes... still we managed to have a good time. It's amazing what tequila does to stave off the world domination designs of three young masterminds.

These two photos remind me of those early 80s film photos that
sit in your camera until you finally get them printed 5 years later. 
"Hey you. We're coming to get you in the zombie apocalypse."

This is just an exercise in territory and sharing
and balance on Uncle Andy's "Macgyver" swing.

And these are just too dang cute not to include.