Speyside, Bon Iver
I’ve been released from a place that held me down and I should’ve let go sooner. I traded my peace and wellness for a windowless cage where nothing grew. I will take what I can and use it as seeds for something new.
The wisdom I earned was that, as hard as I try, I can’t force something to fit. So often I tap down what I know I should do in my heart for what I feel I have to do in my head. In that place I was never going to be good enough. Never again.
Packing up my things, I finally sensed myself again; a veil had been removed and I was free. “Speyside” came on the radio as I drove away. “Nothing’s really happened like I thought it would… I really know now what had hold on me.” I was sailing toward something new, with no idea where I would land or how I would get there. The moment felt uplifting; I would find a new place to grow.
It’s easy for me to move on physically. I take my body and move all that stale electrified energy out of my muscles. But my mind is different. It holds things so deep in my cells I can’t seem to sweat it off, not all of it anyway. Like weeds, some moments keep popping up in my being, in spaces I thought were completely healed. I know now that this is how my heart pounds to be heard. So I get lost in what pops up.
Today I saw it from a distance: a patch of wild dandelion blooms lightly lifting in a vortex carrying them them up into the air and out into the field. There were hundreds of wishes getting taken away on the wind. Parts of these plants were carried so far from where they were, to find new spaces to spread out and thrive. Millions of wishes launched and caught on a breeze all at once; somehow being entirely connected and yet entirely on their own journey.
We aren’t meant to always stay together. We grow and break apart to spread the energy in different places. We can’t anchor ourselves to one space or thing. Some experiences aren’t meant to work; they are meant to teach you and then launch you towards some new place.
